Another WTF

*Oh, this makes me so ARGH

Hilariously, I am going through a period of inner calm.

But…

This article popped up on my Facebook (stop giggling, Millennials) feed and my hair exploded.

“A Guide to Bob Haircuts for Women Over 50, According to Experts: From the classic French bob to the sophisticated “lob,” these are the trending short cuts to know.”

Now.

Any tips to women over 50 for me, an expert on being a woman over 50, ought to come from a woman over 50. Someone living this experience of how to grow up and into her aging body from follicles to feet. Someone watching her hair take on a different texture or new strands of other shades of her hair. Someone that enjoys putting her hair in braids, particularly in hot weather. (Me, that’s me).

The author of this article is…most likely not even 30. But don’t quote me on that, I’m not an expert on guessing ages of people I see in an Instagram post.

There are, apparently, FIVE bobs that will work for us ladies. JUST FIVE. They are called the following:

1. The classic bob: “Think of it as the little black dress of a haircut; it’s versatile, flattering, and always appropriate." Photo of Naomi Watts, her hair as ironed out as ironing hair goes, just about chin length.

   1. Also: “appropriate.” Another word used to direct us aging biddies to stay outta the Forever 21 lane. (I know, Forever 21 RIP)

   2. PS: I’ll continue to wear my glitter barrettes without thinking about what Harper’s Bazaar has to say about it.

2. The lob: “Hitting just at the collarbone, the lob offers the best of both worlds: the ease of a bob with the styling flexibility of longer hair. When worn with soft waves, it feels fresh and never overdone.” Photo of Julianne Moore, her hair also ironed out AF.

   1. What is “fresh and never overdone” really when we’re talking about women over fifty? We know, for instance, at that exact moment when our lipstick begins to bleed into the lines just above our lips. If you’ve read memoirs by Grace Coddington or Andrea Martin, you’ll know that at some point, you’ll be using lip liners to stave that off. We know too, that if we’re going to a Madonna-themed birthday party and we want to go as a Madonna in her Holiday era, we’re going to tease the fuck outta our hair. Is that overdone? No, none of this is overdone.

3. The Layered Bob: This, this beauty of a bob is for women with finer (read: thin) hair, and hence, layering is the key to staying fresh and not overdone. The layers “build volume and movement without heaviness. It’s especially effective in adding softness around the face.” Photo of Jane Fonda, looking soft around the face with the magic of a photoshop wand.

   1. “Softness around the face” is code for all those fucking frown lines, those grooves, that thing that looks like a dimple but is in fact, your life lived. Fuck off.

4. The French Bob: I love the French, especially my besties who live in Paris. So, the experts say, with this French Bob, what makes it work for us women over fifty is that it is “often skimming the jawline and styled with a soft fringe or undone texture.” The expert also adds my favorite what do you even mean line of the article, “the French bob feels both fashion-forward and wearable.” Photo of Halle Berry, whose photo is tilted, just like Naomi Watts’ photo.

   1. So all these bobs beforehand are not wearable? No, no, that can’t be it. Is it more just, you, the expert, had really just run out of lame descriptor words to continue to patronize us, lull us into believing the only right cut is some short cut?

5. The Curly or Textured Bob: Oh, another genius couplet. “Whether your hair is wavy or curly, this is a bob that celebrates shape rather than fighting it and feels both modern and liberating. Strategic layering keeps the curls light and sculpted, not bulky.” Photo of Viola Davis, slight tilt.

   1. Oh lord, I had no idea my bob was into celebrating. Go figure.

So it seems, we have five options if we’re going to cut our hair short, ladies. FIVE.

ALSO, THE EXPERTS HAVE ONE MORE THORNY ROSE FOR US: “What to Know Before Getting a Bob for Women Over 50.” Did I read it? Yes, I had to know. I really, really had to know what the experts said. “The key to a flattering bob is choosing a style that enhances your features while respecting your hair’s evolving needs.” Yep, got it, check please.

Ageism is systemic, and it’s multi-generational and it’s now at our fingertips with social media. For the magazine industry, pushing the fountain of youth is directly tied to ROI. Gen-X women were exposed to this paradigm as we came up on Seventeen magazine, entered our twenties with Cosmopolitan, and perhaps maybe at some point, stole a copy of Vogue from the gyno’s office. We have been bombarded with messaging, encouraging us to minimize ourselves in all kinds of ways, throughout our lives.

• To wear black to hide the bulge.

• To dye our hair to hide the gray.

• To use vitamin C serum to fuck with our face lines.

The naive part of me had hoped as new waves of feminism took the batons from us third wavers, that they’d take the helm, be in positions of power, and re-write the scripts that had been laid in stone by the patriarchy, by capitalism. Seeing this article was a stark reminder that ROI outweighs MOXIE.

Thank goodness I have y’all here.

If I’m going to take any tips on how to be, it’s going to be from the ladies who are in these trenches. Roxane Gay. Muthr, Fckd, and Glorious Broads. Women who are in the embrace of their fifties, sixties, seventies, who can offer all of us insight as to what’s ahead of us, what’s behind us, have a laugh about it.

And I know, most of us are gonna wear our hair whichever way we feel like it.